PREGNANCY
As I neared my 40's, I began to realize that time was slipping away and it was becoming increasinly difficult to have a family of my own. Business travel consumed much of my time, work as a computer consultant became more demanding each year. I rarely had time for deep relationships, but had many friends. My savings grew as did my desire to have a baby. I knew I had enough money to stay home with a child for a few years, then work part time when my child entered school. It seemed like a perfect plan.

In 2003, I began fertility treatments, but they were not successful. IVF was the only way to realize my dream. After only one cycle with just two embryos, I found out I was pregnant with twins - something that defied the odds. I was so excited and had never really considered the idea of twins, but I was glad the twins would have each other for a lifetime.

Just a few months into my pregnancy, the nausea and vomiting struck, leaving me barely able to eat and often vomiting blood. It grew worse over time, and I was eventually diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, or HG, and forced to take medical leave from work. I was unable to work, drive, and eat or sleep normally. The debilitating weakness and fatigue necessitated complete bed rest for the last trimester of my pregnancy.

Around 32 weeks, I was vomiting constantly and unable to eat; I was still below my normal weight of 138 pounds, even though I was carrying twins. I was terrified and my OB just said he wished I would gain weight. The blood loss from vomiting was enormous, and I had to beg the hospital to admit me. I knew I would die if I went back home that sick. I could barely walk, I was so weak, and had rarely slept more than a few hours at a time throughout most of my pregnancy.

The nurses agreed and insisted they keep me. Thankfully I was given IV nutrition for those last eight weeks of my pregnancy. I finally managed to gain a total of 10 pounds of the 45+ I was supposed to gain. I was still unable to eat or sleep much, and vomiting often until delivery, but the IV nutrition at least helped my babies grow. My goal was to have two healthly babies each at least 5 lbs. in weight. I counted everyday knowing each day was so important to the health of my children.

At 37 weeks gestation, my beautiful twins were delivered by c-section and Holly was 4 lb 14 oz, and Tyler was 6 lb 9 oz. I thought everything was ok until I began bleeding internally and nearly died again. After five units of blood, I was still severely anemic. Four days after birth, I went home very weak, extremely low in thyroid hormone, anemic, and emaciated.

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. Sophia Loren


POSTPARTUM
Nannies came and went, and some of my friends stopped in to help at times. However, the work of two premature babies quickly overwhelmed everyone. At five weeks, my friend, John, loaded my minivan with the twins clothing and toys, as well as my suitcase, and we headed to my parents house.

On the way, we stopped in Jacksonville to meet the Needhams. As the nanny confirmed, my intent was to tell everyone once and for all that these children were mine, I was their mother,a nd we belonged together. This was my dream and I nearly died to have them and loved them so much. They are the joy of my life and mean everything to me.

My words fell on deaf ears and I was too weak to leave without help. I felt trapped and terrified. The social worker told me over and over that this was the best decision - to sign the consent - and that once I signed, I would feel better and could go home and get my health back. She didn't give me any other solutions for temporary help. After 11 hours of enduring endless pressure to sign a consent in Shorstein's office on that Saturday -- without food, John finally took me and my twins home instead of to my parents house, leaving me alone, exhausted, and frightened.

After a few more days - alone with my twins and up most of the day and night - I was so exhausted and sleep deprived that I could not think and my world was one of physical and mental exhaustion. No one called to check on me, no one stopped by, and I was completely alone. So, I called John and reluctantly got into the minivan to go back to Jacksonville to sign.

Anxiety overwhelmed me, and I took a dose of a sedative I was prescribed but rarely took. By the time we got to Jacksonville, I was barely coherent and not really aware of what was going on around me. John said I was like a zombie and regrets taking me in that condition. Despite knowing my obvious frail state and lack of desire to sign, they quickly reviewed a few documents for me to sign, then John gave my twins to a Needham relative to care for until the Needhams arrived in the state.


REALITY HIT
Shortly after leaving Shorstein's office, I realized my babies were gone - I was not going to be a part of the family like I was told. Panic and terror consumed me and I begged John to take me back and he said no. Throughout the evening, I made dozens of calls for help, but no one knew what to do. In the morning, I called the Needhams and said I did not want to proceed, but they refused to return my twins and went to Shorstein's office to continuing signing papers.

It's now been over two years, and despite being a very fit and competent, not to mention willing, mother, the courts have awarded custody to the Needhams. As of now, not even the appellate court can explain why they feel it's better to sever my relationship with my twins.

My twins smile and reach for me - we have a bond and want so much to be together. This is cruel and inhumane - all for the sake of selfishness. Isn't adoption supposed to be in the best interests of the children? Isn't adoption supposed to be for children without a home, not children for an infertile couple?


THE FUTURE
We are still hoping that at some point, someone in the courts will rectify this outrageous situation. My twins need to be with their mother and my grief grows with each day we are apart. As soon as we are back together, our bond will be restored and I know they will remember the familiar voice they knew for nearly a year, and the soothing touch they loved.

I pray each day, each hour, and many more times each day that this torture will end and my children will once again have the security they so need. With all we endured in those months before and after birth, it is truly a miracle we survived. I know God would not bring us through all of that unless He intended for us to be a family.

Thank you for your prayers and outpouring of support.

Allison

Mother of Tyler Lee and Holly Ann